Definitions of Turds
A little potty humor. If you don't like potty humor the you had best leave as this page
is nothing but potty humor.
GHOST SHIT: The kind where you feel the shit come out, but
there is no shit in the toilet.
CLEAN SHIT: The kind where you shit it out, see it in the
toilet, but there is nothing on the paper.
WET SHIT: The kind where you wipe your butt 50 times and
it still feels un-wiped, so you have to put some toilet paper between your
butt and your underwear so you don't ruin them with a stain.
SECOND WAVE SHIT: This happens when you're done shiting and
you've pulled your pants up to your knees, and you realize that you have
to shit some more.
POP-A-VEIN-IN-YOUR-FOREHEAD-SHIT: The kind where you strain
so much to get it out, you practically have a stroke.
LINCOLN LOG SHIT: The kind of shit that is so huge you're
afraid to flush without first breaking it into little pieces with the toilet
GASSEY SHIT: It's so noisy, everyone within earshot giggles.
DRINKER SHIT: The kind of shit you have the morning after
a night of drinking. Its most noticeable trait is the skid marks on the
bottom of the toilet.
CORN SHIT: (Self-explanatory)
GEE-I-WISH-I-COULD-SHIT-SHIT: The kind where you want to
shit, but all you do is set on the toilet and fart a few times.
SPINAL TAP SHIT: This is when it hurts so badly coming out
you'd swear it was leaving you sideways.
WET CHEEKS SHIT: (The Power Dump). The kind that comes out
of your butt so fast, your butt cheeks get splashed with water.
LIQUID SHIT: The kind where yellowish-brown liquid shoots
out of your butt and splashes all over the toilet bowl.
MEXICAN SHIT:It smells so badly that your nose burns.
UPPER CLASS SHIT: The kind of shit that has no odor.
THE SURPRISE SHIT: You are not at the toilet because you
think you are about to fart but...oops...a
SHIT!!! THE DANGLING SHIT: This shit refuses to drop into
the toilet even though you know you are done shiting it. You just pray
that a shake or two will cut it loose.
The Work Poop
Your in a meeting or sitting in your cubicle when the rumble down below
starts to work its magic, the WORK POOP is inevitable. Some people can't
stand to crap at work, I've even known people who would go home just to
take a dump.
Of course some of us get a perverse pleasure out of hearing someone
in the next stall gag after we dump our load.........
Definitions for pooping at work just to put a grin on your face.
ESCAPEE: A fart that slips out while taking a leak at
the urinal or forcing poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a
sudden wave of panic/embarrassment. This is similar to the hot flash you
receive when passing an unseen police car & speeding. If you release
an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are
standing next to the farter at the urinal, pretend that you did not hear
it. No one likes an escapee, it is uncomfortable for all involved. Making
a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.
JAILBREAK (Used in conjunction with escapee): When forcing
a poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun's pace. This is usually
a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen do not panic,
remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom so to spare everyone
the awkwardness of what just occurred.
COURTESY FLUSH: The act of flushing the toilet the instant
the nose cone of the poop log hits the water and the poop is whisked away
to an undisclosed location. This reduces the amount of air time the poop
has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing
the WALK OF SHAME.
WALK OF SHAME: Walking from the stall, to the sink, to
the door after you have just stunk-up the shitter. This can be a very uncomfortable
moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with all farts, it is best
to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of
a COURTESY FLUSH.
OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER: A colleague who poops at work
and is damn proud of it. You will often see an Out of the Closet Pooper
enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under their arm. Always
look around the office for the Out OF THE CLOSET POOPER before entering
THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (PFN): This is a group of
coworkers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without
incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of OUT OF
THE CLOSET POOPERS and identify SAFE HAVENS.
SAFE HAVEN: A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building
where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly
of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex
entering the bathroom.
TURD BURGLAR: A pooper who does not realize that you're
in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most
shocking and vulnerable moments that occur when taking a dump at work.
If this occurs, remain in the stall until the TURD BURGLAR leaves. This
way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact. TURD BURGLARS have been
know to cause premature pinchage, which inevitably causes you to pinch
one off in the middle.
CAMO-COUGH: A phony cough which alerts all new entrants
into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up
a WATERMELON or to alert potential TURD BURGLARS. Very effective when used
in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.
ASTAIRE: This is a subtle toe-tap that is used to alert
all potential TURD BURGLARS that you are occupying a stall. This will remove
all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an ASTAIRE, leave the
bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.
WATERMELON: A turd that creates a loud splash when hitting
the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a
WATERMELON coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.
HAVANA OMELET: A load of diarrhea that creates a series
of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an escapee.
Try using a CAMO-COUGH with an ASTAIRE.
UNCLE TED: A bathroom user who seems to linger around
forever. Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or
sitting on the pot. An UNCLE TED makes it difficult to relax while on the
crapper, as you should always wait to drop your load when the bathroom
is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees.
FLY BY: The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping.
Walk in, check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom,
leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People
may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.