History of the TurdChart
The TurdChart was originally conceived
sometime in the year of 1983 on the first floor of Schumacher Hall located
on the Texas A&M campus. Schumacher Hall, for those of you who
aren't familiar with the A&M campus, is located directly across the
street from the famous Dixie Chicken. This local bar played a pivotal role
in the creation of the TurdChart for it was here that "Surfer Joe", after
consuming several pitchers of beer, came up with the concept in order to
determine if one of his suite mates (nicknamed "Mr. Constipation") was
taking dumps because no one in the suite had ever witnessed him using the
crapper, ever. The goal was not only to find out if he was evacuating his
bowels regularly, but to verify his dump schedule so "Surfer Joe" and his
pals could play a practical joke on him whilst mid-dump...something exciting
to liven things up like a perfectly launched cherry bomb into his stall.
After some careful thought and planning,
The TurdChart was hung on the bathroom wall. The design was simple...a
small pencil on a string was attached to the chart so everyone could "log-in
their piles." Complete instructions on how to record daily deposits included
such column entries as name, date, time, number of sinkers and number of
floaters. A special description category was provided for those special
bathroom creations.
During the fall semester of 1984
the TurdChart expanded its reach to the fourth floor of Schumacher Hall
where yours truly first assumed the identity of "Capt. Crap". The
chart remained much unchanged, except for the addition of the "Turd
of the Month" award. The winning contest entrant was the person who
not only wrote the funniest description, but also had the best polaroid
picture of their organic creation. It was about this time that numerous
TurdCharts started appearing throughout the dorm. People, vying for the
award began scrutinizing the school cafeteria menus. It quickly became
apparent that the combination of certain foods consumed in the dining hall
produced better contest entries than others. For instance, Meat loaf
Day was quick to generate interesting TurdChart entries while Chicken Fried
Steak Day tended to halt entry activity for at least three days.
(What powerful binding properties were in that dish?) Dorm residents
soon discovered the unwitting benefit of using the TurdChart as well...like
learning to avoid eating a particular dish before a big event...or a hot
date. And you thought the TurdChart had no real value! Listen, you
can't put a price on avoiding a terrifying BE (aka Butt Explosion) episode.
TurdChart soon made its entry into
the professional work world when upon graduation, myself and two other
college grads rented a four bedroom, two bathroom house in Houston, Texas.
In the time old tradition, the TurdChart was ceremoniously hung on the
walls of both bathrooms. Guests were encouraged to participate and
several even won the coveted "Turd of the Month" award. There was
only one negative experience that occurred when the mother of one of the
roommates used the "facilities" only to discover the chart and its depiction
of the simple mushroom cloud drawing indicating the hands down winner...her
son. And for those of you who have asked NO IT WAS NOT MY MOTHER!!!
After several of us married and
moved away, the TurdChart fell by the wayside...seems girlfriends and wives
did not approve of the decorative chart adorning the bathroom walls. With
much sadness, the TurdChart was eliminated, so to speak.
Until NOW!!!!! |
